is there no live today? 7/29 isn't showing up on my lives

Jessica's previous post on the loss of her beloved friend and grief hit home. Loss is hard. The deep sorrow of grief doesn't go away, you just somehow learn to live with it. And I am so sorry. 

Summer has been particularly difficult for me. My mom died in July of 2008 and her birthday was this past June. The baby I was pregnant with was due in June. Each summer since her death I feel lost. I still grieve the loss of my mother and what could've been. She was a mother of 5 with me being in the middle. She died of cancer and my brothers were 10 and 8 years old when she passed. Shortly after her death, my now husband and I moved back in with my dad to help him out. He left us and my husband and I have taken care of the house and my brothers over the last 9 years. I felt much shame because of my circumstance. Grieving my own brokenness and broken family, we wanted our baby and to begin a new family. So it's been a whirlwind of emotions. 

I didn't expect my life to turn out this way but after years of pain, I have made peace as best I can. It has been an honor to raise my brothers and that we have been able to give them stability in their life. I used to wonder "why" and I didn't understand because I was angry. But then I remembered, I wasn't the only one grieving. I had to accept we all handle grief in our own ways even when it doesn't make sense. I found forgiveness for my dad. "This pain will have purpose," are words I have said over and over to help me through. 

During these times, I typically feel scared, anxious, and alone. I don't want to burden anyone so I  usually keep my pain hidden. But I feel I can express myself here on this cb. Even though we all come from different backgrounds and live in various parts of the world, we are all more alike than not and our uniqueness is beautiful. Thank you all because the love and support you share with me and one another has shown me that it's okay to show vulnerability. 

So it's been tough and I'm doing the best I can. I have love in my heart and that's why it hurts. That love needs somewhere to go and I don't know where to put it.. that's okay, that's how grief can be. Life is messy. I'm a mess sometimes and that's alright. No one is perfect and we make mistakes both big and small and true love heals. Even though my life isn't what I thought it would be, I'm joyful for the gifts this pain has brought me. 

I'm grateful for the summer challenge. It hasn't been easy staying focused and I'm "behind" but I'm putting my best forward each day. I honor these losses by showing up as I am and doing the best I can living in truth, dignity, love, and honesty. Yes, it's hard, but I believe it is worth it. It is worth it because there is love in my heart and that is true. Thank you all for being here and for sharing your love