Hey Gfam. I've been in a silent season of grief in the depths of my heart. As spring grows, I feel that spark of hope that life will begin again as the seasons always do.
I've been carrying the grief of love with no place to go, and it has gotten heavy.
For the past year I've had braces and dealing with hair loss. It has cost a lot of time and money and I feel so exhausted. Turns out, I've been dealing with hard water damage for my hair. Needless to say, I have had no confidence and feel embarrassed. It reminded me of how I felt as a little girl. Realizing that my mother's lack of nurturing and care for me wasn't because I was unlovable it was her inability to recognize the true love within herself. Her rejection of my love hurt for years and the abuse I internalized because it was too painful to see the whole truth. Her obsession with being a strong, independent woman was selfish, and became toxic to which it destroyed herself, my dad, and my siblings uniquely. And it was hell to witness. You could tell she resented us but we could never talk about it. It took away my voice and my ability to stand up for myself and enjoy who I am. It stripped me of recognizing my true beauty to which I chased a superficial version of beauty because that's what she and the world told me to do, leaving me miserable. I hated myself for years because I was never allowed to talk about it. I was pretty good at hiding what was going on behind closed doors, but lying really hurt me, I hated it. She disapproved of everything I liked as a child and left us kids with my grandmother (my dads mom) most of the time. I have more memories with her than my mother. I have been scared to be myself and connect out of fear of that happening again... being around women scare me. Instead of loving me as I am, my fear is being overpowered and bullied into being what they want me to be as my mother did. So, as I have come to find and plant peace, I hope her soul is at peace on the other side of heaven. I feel sorry for her when I used to feel so angry and hurt by hurt.
And since I miscarried, I think of my husband and our child in heaven that would almost be 3yrs old. I feel the pain of that loss and have come to realize that our child guides us everyday and one day we'll be together. And until then, I must live a good and sincere life in honor of our child's life. And I feel at peace with the loss. But honestly, I'm still scared of getting pregnant and experiencing a miscarriage again. I'm still in that grief and just like nature, I trust that when the time is right, everything will work out the way God intends.
I didn't celebrate my 4 year Marniversary this past February, I forgot on purpose because I just didn't want the attention, is that weird? I get uncomfortable with being celebrated and I now see that it's because I was never celebrated at home as a child. How can other people want me when my own mother didn't? That's what's been underneath it all. And I'm sorry for that. I don't want that pain to rule my life anymore... Now that I see that, I'm determined to live life truly and not be ashamed. I like who I am. So much has been robbed and stolen from me as a child, and I'm happy to see there is life after abuse. Never give up on the good, it's worth believing in.
