Hey fam!

I know were all going through our own shit during the holidays but I'm in need of a lil support from my fam in the next few weeks as i face some heavy stuff... I've been keeping up with the challenge which has been helping tremendously, just have been forgetting to post. I've been debating about posting about my situation for a while, I hate sounding weak or complainy, but yesterday's class reminded me I'm not alone so I decided to be a little vulnerable here, in case someone is in a similar situation and needs to feel less alone.

TW: Breakups, mental health, depression, etc.

No one really needs to read this, but I figured this might be the safest space for me to get some things off my chest. Cliff notes version: I need to sell my house and face my ex next week with a family who's very pissed at me.

As some of yall know about a year ago I had a whirlwind of life. Dealing with self destruction and depression and masking it with my art and acting. I was in a relationship with someone for nearly 10 years and he had lost his attraction to me years beforehand and I figured I just had to deal with it, put myself on hold and put him first. It's how I was raised... After years of neglect, building him up and controlling comments on my image I became low key suicidal. And then I accidentally fell in love with someone else after deciding to do some solo music... I figured when I developed feelings for someone else that my ex would understand because it was in my best interest and we were drifting away from each other for years. I thought maybe we could even still be friends and have that life we built together. I told my ex about my feelings before pursuing and at first he seemed to understand and then it's been nonstop back and forth being nice or being mean. I've been trying to handle everyone with grace and love but haven't been met with the same respect. I didn't understand what living with a narcissist was until all of this happened... I'm not sure my feelings were ever valid to him.

Well a year later, and my ex is still bullying me, now my family is starting to see it. My family had sided with him for the first 6 months, to the point where they were inviting him over for holidays and not me. It was extremely hurtful and still, even with my parents talking to me now, incredibly lonely. Yes, I'm spending this upcoming holiday alone soo looking to volunteer my time somewhere if anyone has any ideas!

Anyways... My ex and I had a house together, my mom and I cosigned on the mortgage and he wanted to be on the deed with us. He's refusing to sell, couldn't get a loan in his name to buy it from us, avoiding lawyer calls and sending nasty belittling emails to me multiple times a day. Next week I'm supposed to see him after almost a year and the realtor to look at the house. He wants to have 'coffee to catch up' and doesn't want me to bring a family member with me, then tells me to 'stop hiding behind my mommy.' It's a huge mess and now my parents want to include more lawyers and I'm not sure they'll ever forgive me because they can't even move on with their lives with her credit time up in my house. I feel horrible... His guilt and pressure has been getting to me and I'm really trying to find the strength to face him and try to get off paper with him while not turning back to old destructive habits. Maybe even make peace with my family again even though they are upset with me.

I go between getting mad at myself for giving my whole youth to someone who I was trying to lift up and then getting depressed about how much time I lost and am still losing. I'm realllllly trying to not get caught up in the 'what if' scenarios. "What if I didn't date the first person I met in NYC?" "What If I left when I wasn't happy half a decade ago?" Idk... I invested everything in that house, our old band and that life together, and now I'm left without my old group of friends and an angry, let down family. He has all of my music, tools and art and I'm left some days wondering how to put food on the table and keep my show on the road. My head feels like it's going to explode sometimes but I refuse to give up.

We didn't come this far just to come this far...

END Triggering crap!

Yesterday's class reminded me that we're not alone. So I needed to confide in my tribe that I could just use some heart light energy to try to stay strong through this. Letting go of what wasn't serving me and following what was bringing my joy saved my life last year, and now I just need to stay strong because of the happiness I experienced this year, I know it's worth it but holy crap sometimes life just lays it on thick! AND THEN I decided to go to the dentist lol, a whole other stress and story!

Thank y'all for listening, and showing up for each other. This community has kept me alive and strong through some of the hardest times in my life over the past 3 years. This Thanksgiving I'm grateful for Mbody and this community of warriors. Love y'all so much! Honestly, it just feels good to have written this out instead of crying about it all day. Still don't know what to do or how to handle this sooo I'm gonna hit the mat now! Thank you and love you all <3