Yall, to be honest ive been avoiding writing in this thread. Life has been incredibly heavy and I've been struggling with depression over the fact that my man's mom is dying of ALS and I feel so powerless a lot of the time. Trying to support two households and be strong, without no family support system of my own, quite the opposite really (parents refused to show up to my hometown gig and blamed my life choices for it. Another story most of yall know.) The fiscal situation has me feeling hopeless and sometimes I dont know how I can work harder and make more. Its not easy for me to say, but I had been drinking too much and coping with everything by developing a crappy nicotine clove cigarette habit I picked up over the last year. I'm not proud of these things. We had to cancel 2 tours to stay close to home and care take, setting us back majorly, and of course bumming me out, but for a good reason. Plenty of time to tour, limited time with mum. I had been trying to mask that pain. Be okay on the outside, a habit that I dont want to fall deeply into again. I couldn't be real with myself.
Even in meditation i couldn't find an intention that didn't have to do with money and stability and i knew it wasn't honest in my soul. We had so many visitors in our small old farmhouse, nephews and touring friends visit over the summer i had no privacy and while i still showed up to the mat and enjoyed the company and entertaining people i love. I felt like I had been losing myself to my mind. To vices, to depression, to the only intention being make more money, be the best support system, be okay. But I wasn't.
This week the house was finally ours again and we took some days at the river my head finally cleared during the eclipse and I said, screw this.
I can pick myself up off the ground, I've trained 6 years for these moments.
I reached deep and found i need to do the little things that make me, me, again.
After years, I finally started writing in my notebook again, i'm trying to finish an album and I have so many songs in my head and need to get them out. Even if I'm afraid of what's on the other side of the pen lol
Intentionally singing out loud in the car or on my jogs again.
Intentionally knowing when the last drink IS the last drink (can be very hard when working in bars with free booze most nights...) I went too far a few times this year and felt a lot of guilt over it. I don't want to do something so much that I can never do it again. I don't need a drink to get a task done. I don't want to be another rock'n'roll casualty. The meditation about mistakes being behind us the other day really hit me.
Intentionally putting my phone down and finding fun little things to do with my man to get our mind off what we're going through together. Like rivertime or playing a bad game of pool together lol
Intentionally trying to be easier on myself, especially with money.
I've been writing in my notebook with coffee instead of smoking another cigarette.
Intentionally focussing on making a fun DIY wedding in September! Even with the weight of the situation theres still much to celebrate!
We had been focussing on the community events so much this summer it burnt us both out. Now its time to focus on us again, and for me, focussing on the little things that make up everything.
Not an easy post to make, but an honest one. Love yall so much, thank you for being my support system when no one else was throughout the years. Rediscovering intention hasn't easy for me, and if it hasn't been easy for you, you're not alone 💙 all the colors over here. If you read through all of that, thank you, and if not, so grateful for this space to get it off my chest. Love yall 💙
Commented on M/<45 GROUNDED SWEAT /179
23 Aug 09:19
Such a good flow! Glad I returned to it! Perfect if you have a tight calves that needs stretching and a leg break after all the booty and leg work we did end of August 2026!