Hey M/BODY fam. I've been a part of M/BODY for 4 years. This past February I needed to leave to find clarity within myself and the online world. I am 35 years old for reference, and growing up with the internet has been fun, exciting, and a good in the world... however, things became frightening for me and I felt like was a slave to the online world rather than a master of it. I couldn't keep up. And it made my question my place here even more.
I felt like I abandoned you all, because in a way I did. I have felt how wrong that is and I am sorry. You see, I used to believe that the feelings we share here are real and the connections we make are real. And then doubt seeped in. I got scared and my past experiences of being lied to, like by my mother & sister, got in my head and I didn't know if I could trust it here. I have been abandoned myself, and I began to wonder if the feelings I feel here are real. I got scared and didn't want to get hurt, and I left. I hope you can forgive me. I have struggled my entirety wondering if I fit in here... But one thing is for certain, I don't feel like myself without these workouts. I truly love this format and the music.I love who I am in these workouts. I know I fit in there. I forgot to focus on the love in my heart. I am afraid to admit it because If I admit what I love, does it have power over me?? It comes back to the pain from my mother, I loved her and she did not love me back and I lived my entire childhood doing everything to get her attention and approval. I am so afraid women will be like that to me... and I am still learning to trust even with that grief in my heart. Through the years, I have protected my heart as If I am a wounded animal... I get closed off, scared, runaway, etc. I hope you can understand that.
I'm a sensitive woman. I care more than enough. I am truly sorry and I hope you all can forgive me. But a side note, I kept wondering, should I say goodbye leaving a platform or say something. Like what are the mannerisms & etiquettes of the online world, because it can feel abrupt, and too fast for my soul. It didn't feel right to build a connection to the platform, then the membership is up and it's just gone. That doesn't feel right to me. Therefore, I am going to do my best to do the right thing, not just in real life, but even online. Because manners and etiquette mean something.
Sending my love, and I'm glad to be back.